It's been a while since I've been around, so here's a quick list of things that've crossed through my noggin during the four months I've been gone. Hold tight!
The day you move will always be the hottest day of the year so far. Accept it.
Gatorade, water, pizza, and energy drinks will absolutely be your friends, and your friends’ friends if they’re helping you.
Halfway through packing the moving van, you’ll realize you might’ve been able to afford hiring movers. Plan to do something nice with some of the money you would’ve spent, because there’s no turning back now.
Yes, you cleaned your old place. No, you will not get your security deposit back.
The previous tenants will have wrecked your new place, meaning you’ll have to clean both before AND after moving. Accept it.
Something big will break in the first week that you move in. Know the location of your local laundromat in case of emergency.
You can rip the rugs, tack strips, and staples out of two bedrooms, a living room, and a staircase in a weekend if the health of your beloved pets is at stake.
Stressed-out pals may be happy to help rip aforementioned shit out of your place if you ask. We all need a thing to hulk out on right now.
Parents will give only grudging approval about your new place. That’s cool, since they’re not living there, you are.
You WILL fight with your SO during the moving process. Accept it.
No one can threaten to go sleep on the couch if you don’t have a couch yet.
Stick-on vinyl flooring is a cheap fix if you can’t afford to have new floors done.
Your cats will try to “supervise” the stick-on flooring process. This will lead to hairy floors and trauma on all sides.
Moving into a place where the bathroom is at the top of the stairs will Pavlovially train your body that you need to pee at the top of ANY set of stairs.
The neighborhood cat isn’t young and potentially homeless. She’s 19 and lives next door — and yes, she’s scamming you out of wet noms.
If you feed Scammer Cat, you will become her new bestie.
If you feed Scammer Cat, other cats will come to snack on her leftovers. Congratulations, you’re now the neighborhood cat lady.
That hawk sitting in the yard isn’t hurt. It definitely is sitting on top of its prey. Leave it alone if you don’t want to see a dead rat flying past your face like a demented thestral.
Homeowners associations are not always terrible if they’re small, and you hate mowing and plowing.
DO NOT. TRY TO ADOPT. AN ANIMAL. IN THE WEEK THAT YOU MOVE. Not even a fucking fish, I stg.
You and your SO will fight over paint colors. This is tradition.
Thick walls make good neighbors.
If your cats have never seen hallways or stairs before, get ready to witness an indoor track team instantly form.
If depression didn’t hit before the move, it’ll wallop you afterward with the fury of a thousand vengeful turd weasels. Accept it, and don’t hate on yourself.
Parents are a genetic lottery. If they’re not making your life better, it’s okay to close that door.
Taking an unexpected break from social media is okay. True pals know it’s gnarly out there.
Coming back to social media is okay, too, even if you haven’t “accomplished” anything while you’ve been gone.
Accomplishment is overrated.
Putting on makeup can help your self-image, even — or especially — if you’re only wearing it for yourself.
Parasocial relationships are totally okay. Watching the Critical Role gang or Patton Oswalt or NikkieTutorials can put a boost in your day, even if you can’t get off the couch.
Friends are the people who care about you and support you, just as you support them. People who beg you for RTs and talk shit about you behind your back are not friends, they’re statwhores. Know the difference for the sake of your mental health.
Climbing ivy is the spawn of satan and will ALWAYS come back, no matter how carefully you weed.
Your libido may tank due to moving stress. Be patient with yourself, it’ll come back, even if it takes a few months.
A nice shower unit can make up for a scuzzy bathroom.
Your therapist didn’t go AFK because of anything to do with you. Therapists are people, too, and they have real people problems. This is okay, Paranoid Sally.
Talk to the neighbors with the pentagram flag. They’re probably super cool people who will give you literal armloads of really good books from their yard sale.
Use hooks to string up twinkle lights. That way, when a strand burns out, they’re easier to replace without fucking up your wall.
Get to know your local takeout places. Someday when you’re having a food crisis, this information will be invaluable.
When you’re finally settled and one of the best friends you’ve ever had finally gets to visit, it will all be worth it.
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