Tale of the Unicorn Hunter, Part 1
It was actually my first husband “Ove” who found Master Moon’s profile on FetLife and encouraged me to contact Him. I almost didn’t follow through because I was skeptical — not of Ove’s motives (we were consciously uncoupling, and had been for nearly half a year by then), but of the rarity of what I was looking for.
I was hunting for a unicorn.
Having stepped back from a casual long-distance play dynamic a few weeks earlier, I definitely wasn’t expecting to find the dark-eyed, intelligent DomiNerd of my dreams without a long wait.
Fortunately I got over my oh-what’s-the-use? stupor from too many fizzled flirtations and decided to peek at His profile.
In the world of online dating, profiles are EVERYTHING (duh). You only have a few all-too-brief minutes, if that, to snatch the attention of potential partners. So obviously by peek at His profile, I mean I analyzed it like the goddamn Terminator.
ELEGY’S GUIDE TO AVOIDING PERVY FUCKBOIS
(aka FetLife Profile Analysis for Beginners: A Case Study)
N.B.: The methodology I’m about to breeze through like a fart through Grandpa’s pajamas is obviously not comprehensive. Predators like the Fake Woke Bro mutate their way into the dating landscape every day, so date carefully, y’all!
Consider whether you want to date a guy that wants to fly at you through cyberspace weenie-first. Maybe you have a voyeurism fetish, say, in which case that would be ideal to find an exhibitionist (and Your Kink Is Not My Kink — YKINMK — so go find them nuts!).
In my case, however, the answer to the cybercock question was a resounding negative, Ghost Rider. The fact that Master Moon had a photo of Himself (a face pic, no less! Not necessary, but bonus points for bravery) doing a nerdy creative thing was a panty-dropper. I got a great sense of Him in that photo alone; smiling, approachable, yet still dark and mysterious.
Age & D/S Role
Master — or Mister Moon as he was at that time — was an unthinkable four years younger than me. Ove was six years older, so I was ready for something different, but more important for me was that He was confident in His D/s role. He was clear that He wasn’t hugely experienced, but it was enough to know that I didn’t have to worry about us trying to change each other.
That’s an immutable law of dating, dearies. People will change, but you cannot change people. It’s the paradox you have to somehow plan for — and the reason most relationships are fucked from the beginning.
See above. We were both interested in relationships, and I was fully prepared my own complicated dating situation, even if that meant him possibly backing away. Better to be honest. Yet since he was on a website like FetLife, I figured the chances of him willing to listen and be equally honest with me were statistically better than in vanilla dating.
Perhaps the single most important part of a profile other than the initial photo. Anything that reeks of “new to the site,” “just looking,” “will write more later,” etc. is a redder flag than uniforms of that same color on Star Trek. Run the actual fuck away!
I was going to find a red shirt gif from TOS, but then this popped up and it's way better, sooo...
Mister Moon’s bio was welcoming, convivial, and focused on his non-kink hobbies and interests. It was a longish paragraph; enough to get a sense of him, neither too much nor too little — and again, it seemed as though our interests mirrored each other pretty closely (e.g. my interest in worldbuilding, His in visual effects).
Another place to be incredibly wary. I’ve never had good luck with folks who leave drooling comments on the photos in the Kinky & Popular Feed, or are obviously pursuing other people. Similarly shady are people who love approximately five thousand pics at some random time (usually during the witching hours), or are unreachable but some night engage in aggressive Fuck or Pass threads.
Mister Moon was at that time pretty inactive, which was actually a good sign. His timeline showed that He would like a pic or make a comment to a friend every couple of weeks, which meant He was busy living life offline. He wasn’t in a relationship (which wouldn’t have been a deal-killer, but didn’t suck, either), and hadn’t recently been involved in one, so the odds of him pining over someone — at least a person on FL — seemed minimal.
This is one of my absolute favorite parts of being a kinkster: the honesty. Things that take three or more dates IF NOT YEARS in ’nilla relationships are right there; you can find out if someone’s into are right there for your discreet perving.
Then-Mister Moon was into librarians, humiliation, and spanking. That was plenty of common ground to immediately inspire my dirty, dirty imagination.
Pictured: the dance of my people
Master had a handful of pictures available for public perusal. It would’ve been perfectly acceptable in my book to have a cock pic shoved in amongst them, but that’s His decision.
Having stalked my prey enough to find him an acceptable mate and potential owner, I did the internet version of running up and pawing at him before running away.
I left a comment on one of his pictures. Not just any pic, though — it was a pic of his cat wearing a bow tie. Being a giant Doctor Who fan, I threw out the hook, “Bow ties are cool.”
He didn’t get it, but it didn’t matter: the door was open. We started messaging that night, and our first conversations stuck to our common geek ground at first: where we’d lived, our love for our pets, movies we adored. He didn’t push things towards the pervy, but picked up on my warm response when he mentioned He’d looked through my carefully curated photos (hey, I’d put the same effort into my profile that I’d hope for in a potential partners).
Our vague flirting continued without changing platforms (an important point, I feel — be wary of following a stranger to a second messenger platform!), and even though He was a total hottie, starting to build a friendship with Him only strengthened His attraction.
After I sent Him a quick story sketch I’d worked out for a concept of His, He asked me out. I was 27 years old, and despite having been in a few serious relationship and even married, He was the first one to ever do it.
I shrieked and ran around my apartment like an idiot. Hot cool Domly guy friend liked my writing and wanted to casually meet up in realspace!
NEXT TIME ON #RELATIONSHIPGOALS: Master’s take on our flirtation. He’s promised to help, and I have to admit I’m desperately interested in hearing what He has to say! <3